I just wanted to stop in and thank everyone for your kind responses. I did get a "there's no excuse" to a previous post, which is why I've avoided the message boards here for the most part.
That said, I think I've come through the worst of it and I'm carefully nursing myself back to health as if this were a broken bone. On my days off work I allow myself an hour or two of housekeeping and then I take an afternoon nap (what is it about depression and fatigue!) After my nap the rest of the day is free time. Once I'm ready I'll get back to more of a disciplined routine.
I still haven't weighed myself or gotten back to food tracking, but I have returned to healthier foods and my physical therapy exercises. So I'm celebrating the small successes. It's all good!
current weight: 137.0
Fitness Minutes: (383,242)
27,499 5/29/21 7:46 A
I am very sorry to hear of your distress and heartbreak. It's never easy to suffer the loss of someone we hold dear.
"I'm still feeling very fragile and any finger-shaking or "there's no excuse" would put me right back where I started. Recovering from major depression is a delicate balance ..."
I doubt very much that anyone would be so cold or heartless.
As someone who has suffered from major depression (and am still on medication) I can honestly say that there isn't any quick-fix, regardless of what others may think. To help you with your grief, and anything else that is going on, I hope that you have been referred to a good Therapist. My being referred to a Psychologist and having an extremely supportive GP was very instrumental in my regaining my mental health .... (plus the medication), but the 'people' support was the main thing because they gave me the tools to help me through.
"We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand." ~ Randy Pausch
"There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when circumstance permit. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses, only results." ~ Art Turock
"We have a saying in Tibet: If a problem can be solved, there is no use worrying about it. If it can't be solved, worrying will do no good." ~ 7 Years in T
Sincere condolences for your loss. Please remember that grieving is not a linear process, but is one that will come in unpredictable waves, and will often come in a mix of laughter and tears and smiles and pain as you remember good and bad times and recognize the parts of them that will forever be a part of you. We all grieve differently, so try to keep distance from those who are at a different place than you are and who cope in different ways - and accept that you are absolutely correct in taking care of yourself first.
I hope you are very proud of yourself for recognizing what your emotions and body were telling you, and taking action to truly practice self-care. Recognizing the start takes a lot of self-awareness, and it takes a lot of strength to see and accept that careful and gradual steps are the right choice for you.
Keep taking your time and making the choices that are right for you - and don't forget to let in the moments of joy in seeing "what is" as you get through each part of the day. If you can pause in your walk and see a tiny flower growing in a pavement crack, or listen to the chirps of hungry baby birds, or see the concentration on a child's face as they try to get through the hopscotch game --- well, those are all part of "what is" and can help bring some calm and joy to your day.
That you are so self-aware as to be posting here is a sure sign of your strength - and I have no doubt that you will work through this current wave of grief and find your way to a place of calm and joy in your own daily "what is".
Sir Terry Pratchett: "Science is not about building a body of known 'facts'. It is a method for asking awkward questions and subjecting them to a reality-check, thus avoiding the human tendency to believe whatever makes us feel good."
Last year I lost my grandmother and it was a very difficult process that unleashed a lot of unhealthy dynamics in my extended family. She and I were very close and while we were fortunate not to be separated from her with Covid lockdowns, the whole process was really devastating to me.
After New Years I got past the worst part of my grief, but something happened about three weeks ago that triggered a lot of memories and set me way back. I quit everything and even had to take time off work. Worse I even stopped doing my physical therapy exercises, stopped tracking my food, and binged on pasta every day. Textbook clinical depression.
I haven't weighed myself since then and I think I won't until I spend a little more time back on track. With various disabilities I'm at a point where qi gong is an Olympian effort, but this morning I walked around the block and I plan to keep doing that as much as I can.
I'm posting this for my own benefit as a way to bookmark my current place in my recovery from this setback. Please, NO MEDICAL OR DEPRESSION ADVICE. I'm still feeling very fragile and any finger-shaking or "there's no excuse" would put me right back where I started. Recovering from major depression is a delicate balance, so if you can't say something supportive, just keep scrolling.