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SUNIL410's Photo SUNIL410 SparkPoints: (0)
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4/7/10 6:59 A

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I agree with Tracy.

"No, no, you''re not thinking; you''re just being logical." - Neils Bohr


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CD5345452 Posts: 389
4/4/10 1:46 A

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You ask big questions... sometime the answers are easy and sometimes they are hard. I am the older sister to a younger brother who is a cop - not a lawyer but they both work in the field of "justice" which brings interesting perspectives to family dynamics...

I use a grateful list to turn my negative self-talk around... on paper or in my mind. I work at identifying 5 things per day that I am grateful for - it's in my "other goals". I think about my list at bedtime, as part of my sleep routine. As time has passed since I started this habit I will say out loud that I am grateful for an event, person, etc in the moment - it helps to keep me grounded and seems to halt the negative self-talk from creeping in.

When my brother and I have had "disagreements" that have carried on over time, it's usually me that breaks the ice. If your brother was mine, I would drop him a note that says something like, "thanks for keeping in touch with my kids - that means a lot to me. I'm missing you." The trick is that you CAN NOT expect anything in return.

CAROLJEAN64's Photo CAROLJEAN64 Posts: 13,616
4/2/10 1:32 P

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Two ideas that may help. One is to check out books as Shirlz said. There is one on Amazon called "Boundaries" which seems to have a Christian point of view.
Also, at the end of the day or when the negativity feels overwhelming, today write down one positive thing in your life. Tomorrow write down 2 and the next day three, then 2, then 1. You get the idea. You can even use a calendar that you can look back on when you need to.

Lost 65 lbs and maintained since 2006.


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JOYFULJULIE1's Photo JOYFULJULIE1 Posts: 119
4/2/10 1:31 P

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I like all the suggestions everyone has given me and that alone helps because I know I will move forward from this by doing the actions prescribed. I have gone to therapy before for other issues, but I have found that the most helpful ideas are given to by my girlfriends, a long run, yoga or my Spark Friends.

I am the little sister, and I do think he might be embarrassed. I do miss my brother and the laughs we had together but I am glad I stood up for myself, I think very few people do that to my brother.

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SHRLZI's Photo SHRLZI Posts: 4,088
4/2/10 1:21 P

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JoyfulJulie,

You have taken a big step already, by recognizing that the solution is within *you*. I love the way you describe it - spring cleaning of the mind.

Your note contains some good questions -- you might try journaling, or making "pro and con" lists, to help figure out the answers... if you have access to counseling, a few conversations with a therapist might help more than you expect.

Are you the little sister? Sometimes the youngers give the older siblings almost parental status -- is that true for you? Are there some feelings of having 'disobeyed' your brother?

You are an adult now, and your first responsibility is to your own children. It sounds like you made a good decision -- easy to think your brother is punishing you by his silence, but is it possible that he is a bit embarrassed because he knows you were right???

See if you can find some 'self-help' book about personal boundaries; that might be a useful area to explore for you.

Best wishes to you...

...there is a place in you where you have never been wounded, where there's still a sureness in you, where there's a seamlessness in you, and where there is a confidence and tranquility in you. ~John O'Donohue
being.publicradio.org/programs/2010/
inner-landscape/transcript.shtml


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RDEEEEEEEEE's Photo RDEEEEEEEEE Posts: 2,756
4/2/10 1:15 P

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I treat negative thoughts like other distractions. Acknowledge them and lets them drift by. The more you focus on them the bigger they become.

"Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character." ~Albert Einstein

"Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting." ~ William Shakespeare

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in, forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day, you shall begin it well and serenely...” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

"I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing." ~Rabbi Hillel


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JOYFULJULIE1's Photo JOYFULJULIE1 Posts: 119
4/2/10 12:51 P

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Some days I seem to be haunted by negative thoughts that seem to keep recycling in my mind. For instance two years ago my older brother and I had a huge argument about finances and the care of my mom. Long story short, he has no contact with me, but he does still send cards to my children. My brother's step son wanted to be 50% owner in an apartment building we would buy with the equity in my mom and dad's home although he did not put up any money for his "share" of the partnership. This was done under the guise of "helping" my mom provide for her future long term care. The step son's responsibility would be to manage the property. I said if K really wanted to help out I think an appropriate portion of his share would be 25% ownership at the max since he is not putting up any money. I think 15% would be better and I told my brother that K is greedy, and that he is not really "helping" my mom. Well my brother who is a lawyer didn't like that idea or comment. Why do I KEEP FEELING BAD about this? I think it is the truth and if I would have agreed to the deal we would have lost everything.

Another thought that keeps recycling in my head is about friendships. It is really hard for me to loose friends when the relationship doesn't work any more because of serious philosophical,and political differences and outlooks on life.

Why do I feel BAD and cannot seem to let this stuff go? What is it in me that I need to work on? Do I just have a need to be LIKED by everyone.? One of the reasons I love to do yoga and work out is it keeps my mind occupied.

Thank you for any insights you may share. I guess I just feel like I need to do some spring cleaning in my head.

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