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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 57,026
12/13/19 12:07 P

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Strange Problem

A young man, fresh out of college, went to see his doctor one day.

"Doc, there's something wrong with me. Every time I stand in a baby's high chair and face southwest, and then touch my tongue to a piece of aluminum foil that's wrapped around an acorn, I get a strange tingle in my big toe. Can you tell me what the problem is?"

"Sure!" The doctor said. "You have way too much time on your hands!"

Received from Pastor Tim.

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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 57,026
12/11/19 2:17 P

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Groaner: Pancake House

Two guys went to a local pancake house that served real Vermont maple syrup but charged extra for it. So the guys went to a supermarket, bought their own Vermont maple syrup, and brought it to the pancake house.

They didn't want to get caught, so they were forced to pass the bottle between them syrupticiously.

(by Gill Krebs)

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11/25/19 11:48 P

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Walkie Talkies
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything... we might have had:

Stamps - Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators - Hearty Starties
Bumble Bees - Fuzzy Buzzies
Pregnancy Tests - Maybe Baby
Bra - Breastie Nestie
Forks - Stabby Grabbies
Socks - Feetie Heaties
Hippo - Floatie Bloaties
Nightmare - Screamy Dreamy

Received from Rick Widdison.

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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 57,026
11/19/19 8:47 P

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Stone's Throw
A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only a stone's throw away from the beach," he was told.

"But how will I recognize it?" asked the man.

The reply came back: "It's the one with all the broken windows."

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

--

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11/18/19 7:33 P

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Plane Crash Survivors

Two men crashed in their private plane on a South Pacific island. Both survived. One of the men brushed himself off and then proceeded to run all over the island to see if they had any chance of survival. When he returned, he rushed up to the other man and screamed, "This island is uninhabited. There is no food, there is no water. We are going to die!"

The other man leaned back against the fuselage of the wrecked plane, folded his arms, and responded, "No, we're not. I make over $100,000 a week."

The first man grabbed his friend and shook him. "Listen, we are on an uninhabited island. There is no food, no water. We are going to die!"

The other man, unruffled, again responded, "No, I make over $100,000 a week."

Mystified, the first man, taken aback with such an answer, again repeated, "For the last time, I'm telling you we are doomed! There is NO ONE else on this island. There is NO food. There is NO water. We are, I repeat, we ARE going to die!"

Still unfazed, the first man looked the other in the eyes and said, "Don't make me say this again. I make over $100,000 per week. I tithe 10 percent. My pastor WILL find us!"

Received from John Baker.

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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 57,026
11/16/19 1:12 A

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Scrub the Toilet
I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth when my squad leader barged in. He was holding a toothbrush, which he proceeded to use to scrub underneath the rim of a toilet.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Hazing the new guy," he said.

"You do know that he could get ill from the bacteria on the toilet."

His reply was quick and to the point: "You didn't."

Received from Jeffery S. Carr, Reader's Digest.

--

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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 57,026
11/7/19 11:26 A

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Ship Shape
My daughter, Michelle, is the commander of a Coast Guard cutter. When she gave my husband, Bob, a tour of her ship, he was impressed with the neatness of all decks. However, when Michelle brought Bob to her house, he couldn't believe the disorganization.

"Why is everything in its place on your ship," he asked, "but your house is such a mess?"

Michelle replied, "My house doesn't take 30-degree rolls."

Originally from the Reader's Digest.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

--

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10/1/19 11:44 P

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Languages
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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9/16/19 1:31 P

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Night Watchman

A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate, it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.

Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspaper came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing. Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.

"I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away."

The guard let him pass, but he decided to keep a close eye on him. The next night it was the same, and the night after that. Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing.

Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to his supervisor. He walked into the supervisor's office and before he could say a word, the boss said, "You're fired!"

"Fired?" he asked in total surprise. "Why? What did I do?"

"It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant, and you have failed. So you're fired."

"Wait a minute -- what do you mean failed? Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard."

"Oh, really," the boss answered. "Then how do you account for the fact that there are 365 wheelbarrows missing?"

Received from Big Mac Clean Joke Attack.

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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 57,026
9/12/19 9:32 P

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Pushing a Car
As I pulled into the gas station, I noticed a woman trying to push her car toward the pump. Having always considered myself a Good Samaritan, I parked and joined her in pushing her car.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm giving you a hand," I said. "What are you doing?"

"I'm stretching before my run."

Received from Jim Shaw, Reader's Digest.

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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 57,026
9/9/19 4:42 P

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Pastor Reads Note
Before beginning the service, our pastor read aloud a note he'd been handed moments earlier. "It says here that I should announce that there will be no BS tomorrow morning," he said.

He tucked the piece of paper into a pocket and added, "I'm hoping they mean 'Bible Study'."

Received from Barbara Geerts, Reader's Digest.

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8/23/19 11:41 P

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Redneck Letter
Wednesday, August 21, 2019
Dear son,

I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read fast.

We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure about it though. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven’t seen them since. The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week. The first time for three days and the second time for four days.

Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit, she put a third one in because she heard you have grown another foot since she last saw you. About that coat you wanted me to send, your uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.
There isn’t much more news at the time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your favorite aunt,

Mom


Sarcastic Al Says:
I read a survey that said 82% of people enjoy being cuddled. But if the people on my morning bus are any indication, the real figure is, like 0%.

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8/21/19 4:17 A

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Scrimping and Saving
After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: "Honey, we've finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979."

"You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.

"No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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8/9/19 12:34 P

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The Rules of Bureaucracy
1. Preserve thyself.

2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.

3. A penny saved is an oversight.

4. Information deteriorates upward.

5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.

6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.

7. For any given large, complex, hard-to-understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap, wrong answer.

8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.

9. To err is human; to shrug is civil service.

10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

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8/8/19 3:37 P

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Seen on T-Shirts
"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?"

"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"

"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old)

"Rehab Is for Quitters"

"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"

"All men are idiots, and I married their king"

"Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!"

"He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"

"Hard work will pay off later. Laziness pays off now!"

"My wild oats have turned into shredded wheat."

"Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."

Received from FranCMT2.

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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 57,026
8/7/19 10:18 P

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Talking Duck
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman says, "Hey, you're a duck!"

"Nothing wrong with your eyesight," observes the duck.

"Yeah, but I mean -- you can TALK!" says the barman.

"I guess your ears are fine, too," answers the duck. "Now, can I have a beer please?" The barman serves the duck a pint and asks him what he's doing in the area. "Oh," says the duck, "I work as a plasterer on the building site over there. We'll be here for a couple of weeks, and I'll be in each lunchtime for a pint."

And each day the duck waddles over from his job at the building site and has his lunchtime lager. The next week, the circus comes to town on its annual round. The circus owner comes in for a pint, and the barman tells him about the talking duck. "You should get it into your circus," he says. "You could make a lot of bucks out of a talking duck. I'll speak to him about it."

The following day, the duck comes in at lunchtime. The barman says, "You know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was chatting to the owner. He's very interested in you."

"Really?" says the duck.

"Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up for you easily."

"Hang on," says the duck. "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?"

"That's right."

"That's one of those tent things, isn't it? With a big pole in the middle?"

"Yeah!"

"That's canvas, isn't it?" asks the duck.

"Of course," replies the barman. "I can get you a job there starting tomorrow. The circus owner's dead keen."

The duck looks very puzzled. "What would he want with a plasterer?"

Received from Keith Sullivan.

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8/2/19 6:18 P

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Promotion

The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the mail room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"

"Thanks," said the employee.

"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"

"Uuuh ... Thanks, Dad?"

Received from Clean-Laffs.

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8/1/19 10:48 P

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Letter of Rejection of Rejection Letter
Dear [Interviewer's Name]:

Thank you for your letter of _________.

After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have had been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite [Firm's Name]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.

--

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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 57,026
7/30/19 11:23 P

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Football Coach
A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating raw recruits.

"Well," he said, "I take 'em out in the woods and make 'em run. The ones that go around the trees, I make into running backs. The ones that run into the trees, I turn into linemen."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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7/24/19 10:43 P

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Groaner: Irish Capital
A government committee was formed to investigate the emergence of Ireland as a world financial power. After months of study and deliberation, they determined that it was due to the fact that the country's capital was always Dublin.

Received from Stan Kegel.

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7/24/19 12:31 A

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Employment Test
"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"

"Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I don't get the job."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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7/22/19 10:57 A

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The Mystic

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.

The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.

The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space.

The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols.

The mystic chose the thermos bottle.

"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.

"Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."

"Yes -- so what?"

"Think about it," said the mystic reverently. "That little bottle -- how does it know?"

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 57,026
7/20/19 12:19 A

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The Water Hole
A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer twenty-five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud day and night."

"Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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7/18/19 11:22 P

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Want Ads
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

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7/17/19 2:31 P

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Groaner: Obit

One morning at our small-town newspaper office, one of the editors was struggling to write a headline for the obituary of a woman who was noted for little besides a fondness for crossword puzzles.

"What am I supposed to write?" the editor whined. "She liked puzzles?"

Just then one of our copy editors piped up, "How about, 'Crossword fan is now six down.'"

(By James Vlahos)


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7/16/19 5:14 P

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Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second woman chirps, “My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace’.”

The third woman says smugly, “My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle “Well…..?”

She replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6’2″, hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, ‘Oh my God!!!”

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7/15/19 5:21 P

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These are actual quotes of what people said in court, word for word:


Q: Did you see my client flee the scene?
A: No, sir, I didn’t. But subsequently I observed someone running several blocks away who matched the description of the offender.
Q: Who provided you with the description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.
Q: A fellow officer of yours provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust this fellow officer?
A: Yes, sir, with my life.
Q: With your life? Let me then ask you this, officer. Do you have a room were you change your clothes in preparation for the day’s duties?
A: Yes, sir, we do.
Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes, sir, I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Why is it, officer, that if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those some officers?
A: You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex. And sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.



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7/15/19 12:45 A

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Referrals
When our local doctor began attending church services, the minister was delighted, and it wasn't long before they were helping each other in their work, the minister referring people to the doctor, and vice versa.

One referral from the doctor called at the church office with a note prescribing the minister's last four sermons. The minister was most pleased until he discovered that the patient's problem was insomnia.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

--

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7/14/19 12:20 A

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Reprimand
After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. She then carefully applied cold cream all over her face except her eyes, which she outlined with a different cream. She then proceeded to put her hair in high rollers.

As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.

At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.

As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"

Received from Irene A. Mystery.

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7/12/19 11:56 P

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A man was driving down the road when the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming curses in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him. I noticed the “What Would Jesus Do” bumper sticker, the “Choose Life” license plate holder, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car.”


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7/12/19 11:43 P

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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.

He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. “Who stole my horse?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

“I’m gonna have another beer and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I’m finished, I’m gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don’t want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, what happened in Texas?”

The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home!”


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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 57,026
7/11/19 4:45 P

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A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem – the captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, “Look, It’s not the same hat!” or, “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” Or “Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?” The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything. it was, after all, the Captain’s’ parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it, with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day. And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said….

“OK, I give up. Where’s the damn ship?”


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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 57,026
6/26/19 3:14 A

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FAMOUS LAST WORDS

Hindsight Is 20-20
Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses.

"You know, honey," I said sweetly, "without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 57,026
2/21/18 12:02 A

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President's Day
/* Disclaimer: This joke is equally funny regardless of who is in office at the time. It is not meant to apply to the current or any specific President. */

I was eating lunch on the 18th of February with my 10-year-old grandson and I asked him, "What day is tomorrow?"

He said, "It's President's Day!" He is a smart kid.

I asked, "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln, etc.

He replied, "President's Day is when the President steps out of the White House. If he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."

You know, it hurts when coffee spurts out your nose...

Received from Gayle Marie.

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