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4/17/11 5:33 A

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11/17/10 10:45 A

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This thread has over 1,000 posts. In fairness to our dial-up users, we need a new thread and it can be found here:

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/team_mes
sa
geboard_thread.asp?board=0x953x37980933


``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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11/17/10 10:44 A

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LOL That was a good one Nancy. emoticon

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KELPIE57's Photo KELPIE57 Posts: 3,352
11/17/10 9:38 A

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emoticon Whoops!



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11/17/10 8:51 A

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Bless their hearts... emoticon

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.

Mistakes are the portals of discovery.

Don't be afraid to give your best at what seemingly are small jobs. Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves.

It is never too late to be what you might have been.


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CAMPER96's Photo CAMPER96 Posts: 3,300
11/17/10 7:22 A

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emoticon Now I'm really worried. Somewhat sounds like me now.

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11/17/10 7:18 A

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TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath.. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses. 'Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'



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GOANNA2's Photo GOANNA2 Posts: 28,147
11/17/10 6:41 A

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11/16/10 6:05 P

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“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You, too? Thought I was the only one.’” (C.S. Lewis)

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11/16/10 5:52 P

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11/16/10 5:25 P

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It was the beginning of term at a primary school in Brooklyn. The teacher asked the children their names one at a time, and for each to spell their name out loud. When she came to a young boy and asked his name.....

"Ravashanka Vankatarataam Bannerjee", he replied.

"How do you spell that?" asked the teacher.

"My mother helps me." said the little boy.

``````(.)~(.)``````
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--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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CAMPER96's Photo CAMPER96 Posts: 3,300
11/16/10 2:44 P

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KELPIE57's Photo KELPIE57 Posts: 3,352
11/16/10 1:34 P

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11/16/10 9:07 A

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TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'
'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'
And the third man chimed in, 'So am I... Let's have a beer.'


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LILDYNARIDER's Photo LILDYNARIDER Posts: 271
11/16/10 12:35 A

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emoticon Loved those thanks screwie!!

I'm fighting the timeless battle between good and evil - eat a donut or eat a piece of fruit.

I want a Boflex body for Christmas and could he be wrapped in a big red ribbon please =)

100 Push-up Challenge
W1: [X] W2: [X] W3: [X] W4: [X] W5: [X] W6: [ ] [ ] [ ]

Reach 1st weight goal and I'm getting a pair of Iron Fist Heels!!


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11/15/10 5:12 P

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LOL Thanks Screwie!! emoticon

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GOFOOD1's Photo GOFOOD1 Posts: 97
11/15/10 10:49 A

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Loved the Idiot Sightings. Thanks for the laugh
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11/15/10 8:36 A

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11/15/10 7:37 A

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“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You, too? Thought I was the only one.’” (C.S. Lewis)

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GOANNA2's Photo GOANNA2 Posts: 28,147
11/15/10 7:14 A

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Thanks Screwie, I can enjoy my week now. emoticon emoticon

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KELPIE57's Photo KELPIE57 Posts: 3,352
11/15/10 4:52 A

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emoticon emoticon emoticon A great start to the week, Screwie, thanks!



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SCREWIE's Photo SCREWIE Posts: 12,587
11/15/10 4:02 A

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DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going to be 20 next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like? CAROL

DEAR CAROL: Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.

--

DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills deductible? KAY

DEAR KAY: Only if they don't work.

--

DEAR ABBY: Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a 10-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? WONDERING

DEAR WONDERING: The baby was on time, the wedding was late.

--

DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time? JAKE

DEAR JAKE: Yes, and also hazardous.

--

DEAR ABBY: I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is 73 and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions? ANNIE

DEAR ANNIE: Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.

--

DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? SAM IN CAL.

DEAR SAM: Yes. Run for public office.

--

DEAR ABBY: I am 44 years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits. ROSE

DEAR ROSE: So would I.

--

DEAR ABBY: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? BESS

DEAR BESS: Night and Day.

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SCREWIE's Photo SCREWIE Posts: 12,587
11/15/10 3:59 A

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Idiot Sighting: The hubby and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large enough" motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "No, it's not. Four is larger than two." We haven't used Sears repair since.

Idiot Sighting: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

Idiot Sighting: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

Idiot Sighting: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Idiot Sighting: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

Idiot Sighting: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

Idiot Sighting: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" His reply, "I know -- I already got that side."

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SCREWIE's Photo SCREWIE Posts: 12,587
11/15/10 3:51 A

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At a recent conference of science and mathematics, a physicist, a mathematician, an engineer, and a statistician were all staying on the same floor of their hotel.

The engineer woke up in the middle of the night to find his trash can had caught on fire. He jumped out of bed, quickly filled his ice bucket with water, extinguished the flames, and went back to sleep.

A little later, the physicist woke up and also discovered his trash can to be ablaze. He paused for a moment, pulled out his slide rule, and made a few quick calculations. He filled up his ice bucket with exactly 1/2 liter of water and used it to extinguish the fire, and then went back to sleep.

Shortly after, the mathematician was awakened and his trash can was also on fire. He grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and frantically scribbled out pages and pages of equations. When he found the solution he went to bed, comfortable just knowing that the solution existed.

And the statistician? He was found running around lighting other people's trash cans on fire because he needed a bigger sample size.

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KELPIE57's Photo KELPIE57 Posts: 3,352
11/14/10 1:50 P

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Loved it Screwie!



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11/14/10 11:18 A

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LOL emoticon I copied your joke and sent it to my sister by e-mail...:)

Edited by: LYFO12 at: 11/14/2010 (11:18)
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CAMPER96's Photo CAMPER96 Posts: 3,300
11/14/10 10:56 A

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11/14/10 8:05 A

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“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You, too? Thought I was the only one.’” (C.S. Lewis)

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SCREWIE's Photo SCREWIE Posts: 12,587
11/14/10 7:58 A

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An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last 10 years, mainly due to the wife's interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and aahed," the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one, representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

Peter's reply, "This is Heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it's free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part -- you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like, and you never get fat or sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!"

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KELPIE57's Photo KELPIE57 Posts: 3,352
11/14/10 4:03 A

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The confusion may have been intentional!



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11/13/10 12:36 P

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“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You, too? Thought I was the only one.’” (C.S. Lewis)

Leader - SparkPeople's Official Virtual Walk/Run Challenge www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
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JANEDOE12345's Photo JANEDOE12345 SparkPoints: (107,242)
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11/13/10 9:51 A

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You are technically correct, but the all-too-common use of the pronoun in this position in the sentence, plus the habit of referring to animals as male or female (cats are always a she in my house) makes this an awkward sentence for a quick reader.

And I kinda like the idea of inviting the bear into the house.







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SCREWIE's Photo SCREWIE Posts: 12,587
11/13/10 9:41 A

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I'm not sure as it's a long time since I studied it at school, but I think that the English pronouns "him" and "her" are only for people, not for animals or inanimate objects, with one exception being pets that, for their owners, take on a human personality. Thus "him" in the article clearly refers to Jack the cat and not the bear (unless the bear is also a pet but it doesn't seem to be the case).

(Sorry for the off topic!)

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JANEDOE12345's Photo JANEDOE12345 SparkPoints: (107,242)
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11/13/10 9:09 A

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Wait a minute, did the bear get called in to the house???

"The bear only escaped when Jack's owner called him into the house."

Poor use of pronoun....
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Edited by: JANEDOE12345 at: 11/13/2010 (09:10)






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SCREWIE's Photo SCREWIE Posts: 12,587
11/13/10 8:53 A

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Jack it in - is it the name?

www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-1
17
47293


I love the last two paragraphs!

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11/13/10 5:57 A

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11/13/10 5:25 A

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Math Quizzes throughout the Modern Era

In 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four fifths the price. What is his profit?

In 1970 (traditional math): A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price; in other words $80. What is his profit?

In 1970 (new math): A logger exchanges set L of lumber for set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100 and each element is worth $1. Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M. The set C of costs contains 20 fewer points than set M. Represent set C as a subset of set M, and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set P of profits?

In 1980. A logger sells a truckload of wood for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Underline the number 20.

In 1990 (Outcome-Based Education): By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class discussion: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?

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SCREWIE's Photo SCREWIE Posts: 12,587
11/13/10 5:16 A

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Lol Jane!

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KELPIE57's Photo KELPIE57 Posts: 3,352
11/13/10 1:29 A

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A good way to start the weekend, thanks emoticon



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11/12/10 7:54 P

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Some Old, Some New. . . .


1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.


2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .


3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.


4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.


5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.


6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.


7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.


8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.


10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'


13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.


14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'


15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.


16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.


17. A backward poet writes inverse.


18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.


19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.


20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .


21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'


22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'


23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'


25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.








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11/12/10 7:38 P

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“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You, too? Thought I was the only one.’” (C.S. Lewis)

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SCREWIE's Photo SCREWIE Posts: 12,587
11/12/10 11:44 A

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KELPIE57's Photo KELPIE57 Posts: 3,352
11/12/10 11:39 A

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I had to emoticon



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MRS_TOAD's Photo MRS_TOAD SparkPoints: (707,298)
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11/12/10 9:47 A

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My son Ward owns a shiny green four-wheel-drive truck. He also owns a 110-pound black Labrador named Tony.

On trips, the dog generally sits on a platform behind the driver's seat, resting his huge head on Ward's shoulder as they travel cheek-to-cheek. Ward did not give this cozy arrangement a second thought until the day he took Tony with him on a trip to Montana.

While listening to his CB radio, Ward overheard one trucker remark to another, "See the little green four-wheeler you're about to pass? When you go by him, take a good look -- see if that's really a dog driving."

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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CAMPER96's Photo CAMPER96 Posts: 3,300
11/12/10 7:55 A

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KELPIE57's Photo KELPIE57 Posts: 3,352
11/12/10 6:22 A

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SCREWIE's Photo SCREWIE Posts: 12,587
11/12/10 6:10 A

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A couple from Texas were taking a cross country drive, taking in sites they couldn't get back home.

While driving through Wisconsin, they were often boggled by the place names, which peaked as they were approaching Oconomowoc.

The couple started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch, where they knew they could settle their bet as to how it was pronounced by asking a local.

When it was their turn the man asked the cute young thing behind the counter, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are -- very slowly?"

"Sure," said the blonde girl. She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrgerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnng."

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KELPIE57's Photo KELPIE57 Posts: 3,352
11/12/10 6:09 A

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SCREWIE's Photo SCREWIE Posts: 12,587
11/12/10 6:06 A

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After our last child was born, my wife told me we had to cut back on expenses -- in fact, she said, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up, and everything was fine until I noticed the other day when she came home from shopping. The receipt included $45 worth of makeup.

I said, "Wait a minute! I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you!"

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I'm not sure yet, but I don't think she'll be back.

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SCREWIE's Photo SCREWIE Posts: 12,587
11/12/10 6:05 A

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A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, his wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this."

The man steps up and watches as she puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.

She then puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.

"So," she says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what have you learned from this experiment?"

"Plenty!" he says, which brightens her considerably.

"Really, darling?" she says, almost melting.

"You bet," he responds. "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

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KELPIE57's Photo KELPIE57 Posts: 3,352
11/12/10 2:38 A

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Brilliant emoticon



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LYFO12 SparkPoints: (0)
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11/11/10 9:19 P

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LOL Good one!! emoticon

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SCREWIE's Photo SCREWIE Posts: 12,587
11/11/10 5:08 P

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Lol, brilliant :D

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GOANNA2's Photo GOANNA2 Posts: 28,147
11/11/10 4:33 P

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Here's one from me but not as good as yours Screwie.

-Due to a power outage, only one ambulance driver responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so he asked Katelyn, a 3 year old girl, to hold a torch high over her mummy so that he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little Connor was born.

The ambulance driver lifted him by his little feet and smacked his bottom. Connor began to cry.

He then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded,
"He shouldn't have crawled there in the first place, smack him again".


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PLATINUM755's Photo PLATINUM755 SparkPoints: (629,994)
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11/11/10 1:14 P

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You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.

Mistakes are the portals of discovery.

Don't be afraid to give your best at what seemingly are small jobs. Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves.

It is never too late to be what you might have been.


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KELPIE57's Photo KELPIE57 Posts: 3,352
11/11/10 12:35 P

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SCREWIE's Photo SCREWIE Posts: 12,587
11/11/10 10:41 A

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Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."

"Oh really? Hmm, I didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care!"

The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off. Watch and learn," he says, getting up and heading for the Irishman.

So, the second Englishman tapped the man on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"

"Oh really? Huh, I hadn't heard that before."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off. Just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

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SCREWIE's Photo SCREWIE Posts: 12,587
11/11/10 10:40 A

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A man gets off the elevator at the bar on top of the Empire State Building. He is bowled over by the splendor and the view. He orders a drink, and then remarks about how there's a large open window with no guardrails or anything -- someone could fall a long way!

"There's no problem with that, it's completely safe!" says a man dressed in a sharp suit, glasses and a fedora. "Even if you fell out, the building creates a strong updraft current that will bring you right back to safety!"

"Huh?" the man says, incredulous.

"Sure, let me show you!" the man at the bar says, stepping to the window and allowing himself to fall right out.

"Oh my gosh!" says the newcomer. He bends over to look out the window to see what happened just as the man comes back up in the wind, right into the window, and lands right on his feet! Even his fedora is still firmly in place.

"That's amazing!" he says. "Does it happen like that all the time?"

"Yep, I've done it many times," says the square-jawed man. He offers to hold the newcomer's drink while he tries it.

"Here goes nothing," the newbie says. He leans out the window and falls out of the building, falls all the way to the street and goes splat. The man in the suit says "tsk tsk tsk" and drinks the man's cocktail.

"You know," the bartender finally says to the regular, "you're really mean when you're drunk, Superman."

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SCREWIE's Photo SCREWIE Posts: 12,587
11/11/10 10:38 A

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Aussie Drinkers' Troubleshooting Chart

---

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to gent's room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand more beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar; if not, then scream that you are being kidnapped

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to the bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

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CAMPER96's Photo CAMPER96 Posts: 3,300
11/10/10 10:38 P

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