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GRAMDEB16's Photo GRAMDEB16 SparkPoints: (3,180)
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1/28/20 12:40 P

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Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots?

He was picking his nose!

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TREKPURRSON's Photo TREKPURRSON SparkPoints: (98,702)
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12/27/19 12:49 A

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Lol!

Jesus take my life and lead me on.

Have fun and no regrets. Make memories and love without fear. Enjoy life because in the end, the journey is the destination.

"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us." -Albert Schweitzer


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HAPPY-CATHE's Photo HAPPY-CATHE Posts: 17,518
12/17/19 6:01 A

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~~Cathe~~

Whatever You Do, Do It All For The Glory Of God.
1 Corinthians 10:31


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TREKPURRSON's Photo TREKPURRSON SparkPoints: (98,702)
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11/25/19 8:06 P

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emoticon emoticon emoticon

Jesus take my life and lead me on.

Have fun and no regrets. Make memories and love without fear. Enjoy life because in the end, the journey is the destination.

"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us." -Albert Schweitzer


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ROBINRS's Photo ROBINRS Posts: 1,733
11/10/19 5:09 P

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I just completed 30 minutes cardio - I was trying to pick a piece of ice off the floor.

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WNCGIRL's Photo WNCGIRL SparkPoints: (38,447)
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11/6/19 9:59 P

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Where is your purse

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WNCGIRL's Photo WNCGIRL SparkPoints: (38,447)
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7/30/19 3:53 P

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emoticon emoticon

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DEBSGETNHEALTHY's Photo DEBSGETNHEALTHY Posts: 1,446
7/19/19 1:17 A

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ROBINRS's Photo ROBINRS Posts: 1,733
7/14/19 6:24 P

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I was going to share a vegetable joke emoticon but it's corny. emoticon and you probably wouldn't carrot all for it. emoticon

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TREKPURRSON's Photo TREKPURRSON SparkPoints: (98,702)
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7/7/19 9:39 P

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Jesus take my life and lead me on.

Have fun and no regrets. Make memories and love without fear. Enjoy life because in the end, the journey is the destination.

"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us." -Albert Schweitzer


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ROBINRS's Photo ROBINRS Posts: 1,733
6/26/19 5:55 P

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Edited by: ROBINRS at: 6/26/2019 (17:59)
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CD24728533 Posts: 102
6/9/19 8:05 P

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How do you repair a broken tomato?

Tomato paste.

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KERRYG155's Photo KERRYG155 SparkPoints: (439,440)
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5/16/19 3:24 P

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TREKPURRSON's Photo TREKPURRSON SparkPoints: (98,702)
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5/11/19 10:19 P

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ūü§£

Jesus take my life and lead me on.

Have fun and no regrets. Make memories and love without fear. Enjoy life because in the end, the journey is the destination.

"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us." -Albert Schweitzer


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TREKPURRSON's Photo TREKPURRSON SparkPoints: (98,702)
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5/11/19 10:18 P

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ūü§£

Jesus take my life and lead me on.

Have fun and no regrets. Make memories and love without fear. Enjoy life because in the end, the journey is the destination.

"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us." -Albert Schweitzer


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CD24355693 SparkPoints: (27,105)
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3/2/19 1:29 P

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What is red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint

PCOSGROVE5's Photo PCOSGROVE5 SparkPoints: (3,465)
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10/9/18 6:55 P

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Hahahaha

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DEBBIE669 SparkPoints: (758)
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9/5/18 8:42 P

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Lol

Hi


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9/5/18 8:42 P

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Lol

Hi


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PICKIE98's Photo PICKIE98 Posts: 66,436
8/5/18 9:56 A

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hahahahaha!!

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ROBINRS's Photo ROBINRS Posts: 1,733
8/3/18 5:43 P

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Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they Lactose.

Edited by: ROBINRS at: 8/4/2018 (17:14)
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AQUAGIRL08's Photo AQUAGIRL08 Posts: 24,059
7/28/18 9:54 A

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I do bicep curls several times a day and they are filled with 8 ounces of water!

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ROBINRS's Photo ROBINRS Posts: 1,733
7/21/18 9:02 P

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I thought I'd try that new diet where you eat a handful of almonds before every meal but I decided that's just nuts.

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PICKIE98's Photo PICKIE98 Posts: 66,436
6/9/18 10:24 A

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I'm not even that ambitious!

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CD23282735 Posts: 142
6/3/18 6:23 P

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PICKIE98's Photo PICKIE98 Posts: 66,436
3/3/18 12:17 P

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So funny! I am with George, only with squash and sweet potatoes. I love broccoli.

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CD22590676 Posts: 512
3/1/18 3:45 P

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"I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli."
- George Bush, U.S. President, 1990



CD16318704 Posts: 77
3/1/18 3:27 P

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CD17631433 Posts: 94
3/1/18 2:55 P

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command "! http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember,overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.

These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend! Food 3.0 and HotLingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

CD16318704 Posts: 77
2/28/18 8:18 P

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Q: Whats the difference between a jet engine and a flight attendant?
A: At the end of the flight the jet engine stops whining



CD22590676 Posts: 512
2/27/18 8:55 P

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My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

CD16318704 Posts: 77
2/26/18 3:13 P

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CD16318704 Posts: 77
2/26/18 3:10 P

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What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers:

Cinderelephant emoticon

PICKIE98's Photo PICKIE98 Posts: 66,436
2/13/18 10:26 A

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If wishing were getting, we'd all be millionaires!

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PICKIE98's Photo PICKIE98 Posts: 66,436
2/10/18 11:01 A

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HAHAHAHAHAHA!! I like that.

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CD17631433 Posts: 94
1/29/18 5:45 P

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My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "no it doesn't"



CD22466087 SparkPoints: (205)
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12/2/17 3:20 P

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That IS funny but the weird thing is, mine does the same thing!

PICKIE98's Photo PICKIE98 Posts: 66,436
11/9/17 2:21 P

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Patient: "My right foot hurts."
Doctor: "That's just old age."
Patient: "But my left foot is just as old. Why doesn't IT hurt?"

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CD17960262 Posts: 2,112
9/19/17 4:52 P

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That's funny! sounds like kids would like that joke!

125SOUTHERNGIRL's Photo 125SOUTHERNGIRL Posts: 73
9/19/17 12:10 P

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A favorite of my niece and nephew...

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9. :)

"For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return." Leonardo Da Vinci


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CD17960262 Posts: 2,112
9/19/17 5:24 A

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Love it! emoticon

CBRINKLEY401's Photo CBRINKLEY401 SparkPoints: (295,458)
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9/19/17 12:12 A
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Now that Iím older, hereís what Iíve discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. Funny, I donít remember being absent-minded.
4. Funny, I donít remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, then where is it?
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.
7. Some days, youíre the top dog, some days youíre the hydrant.
8. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
9. It is hard to make a comeback when you havenít been anywhere.
10. The world only beats a path to your door when youíre in the bathroom.
11. If God wanted me to touch my toes, heíd have put them on my knees.
12. When Iím finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
13. It is not hard to meet expenses ... Theyíre everywhere.
14. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what Iím ďhere afterĒ.
15. Funny, I donít remember being absent-minded.
16. My git up 'n' go has got up 'n' went...without me
17. Have I sent this message to you before or did I get it from you?
18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.



-Cathy B
Illinois, Central Standard Time Zone

If it's to be, it's up to ME.

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LOVEDABUNCH2's Photo LOVEDABUNCH2 SparkPoints: (13,492)
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9/12/17 9:41 P

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love it!

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PICKIE98's Photo PICKIE98 Posts: 66,436
8/26/17 1:54 P

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Did you hear about the company that produces ice cubes and ice cream?
All of its' assets are frozen.
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CD17960262 Posts: 2,112
8/21/17 7:33 A

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That's hilarious! Never thought of that before LOL!

WEARINGTHIN's Photo WEARINGTHIN Posts: 10,270
8/21/17 4:00 A

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Really like the one about " because dogs can't read". (Why shouldn't you advertise in the paper for your lost dog?) Glenn

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CD17960262 Posts: 2,112
8/12/17 12:28 P

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I love it!

PICKIE98's Photo PICKIE98 Posts: 66,436
8/12/17 10:28 A

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"As a matter of fact" is an expression that precedes man an expression that isn't.

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CD17960262 Posts: 2,112
8/9/17 1:56 P

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emoticon Hilarious!

PICKIE98's Photo PICKIE98 Posts: 66,436
8/9/17 11:23 A

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The best way to keep kids at home is to make sure the home has a pleasant atmosphere-- and let the air out of their tires.
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CD17962948 Posts: 174
8/5/17 12:14 P

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SKIMBRO's Photo SKIMBRO SparkPoints: (176,830)
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7/25/17 7:52 P

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CD17960262 Posts: 2,112
7/19/17 4:36 P

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That is funny!

CD17960262 Posts: 2,112
7/19/17 4:33 P

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I wonder if I have that same book? And like you, I haven't read it yet!

CD17960262 Posts: 2,112
7/19/17 4:30 P

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I wonder if I have the same book? Like you, I haven't read it yet either!

CD17960262 Posts: 2,112
7/19/17 4:28 P

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Hilarious!

PICKIE98's Photo PICKIE98 Posts: 66,436
6/5/17 5:07 P

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Money talks--Mine says, "Bye!"

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SUNDANCE00's Photo SUNDANCE00 Posts: 242
6/2/17 5:21 P

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QUARTERMASTER3's Photo QUARTERMASTER3 Posts: 16,323
6/1/17 4:50 P

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3/22/17 8:10 A

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Why did the cookie cry?
Because his mom was a wafer so long.

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PICKIE98's Photo PICKIE98 Posts: 66,436
1/1/17 4:30 P

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"Wrinkles are hereditary. Parents get them from their children."

Doris Day.

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PICKIE98's Photo PICKIE98 Posts: 66,436
1/1/17 4:29 P

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emoticon


Edited by: PICKIE98 at: 1/1/2017 (16:29)
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HAPPYCAMPER17 Posts: 5
1/1/17 5:44 A

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I have a book about procrastination,but I haven't read it yet.

PICKIE98's Photo PICKIE98 Posts: 66,436
12/31/16 1:04 P

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How do you make friends with a computer?

Bit by bit.

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HAPPYCAMPER17 Posts: 5
12/29/16 4:22 P

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Good work and like your joke,

PICKIE98's Photo PICKIE98 Posts: 66,436
12/21/16 1:59 P

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Which runs faster, hot or cold?

Hot;anyone can catch a cold.

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LINDA719's Photo LINDA719 Posts: 1,368
12/20/16 10:53 A

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Me too! emoticon

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PICKIE98's Photo PICKIE98 Posts: 66,436
12/15/16 6:13 P

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When I was 18, I wanted to save the world. Now I'd be happy to save $100."

Earl Wilson

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CD17335343 Posts: 11
12/14/16 1:25 A

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I had to stop reading at number TWO - my favourite! I'll have to remember that one!

PICKIE98's Photo PICKIE98 Posts: 66,436
11/22/16 3:25 P

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What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
Spring time.

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LAPPEROO's Photo LAPPEROO Posts: 4,009
11/21/16 8:35 P

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I've been getting some exercise...doing diddly-squats.

Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts. [Winston Churchill]

Realize that our mistrust of the future makes it hard to give up the past.
Dare to make your own history; be yourself and lead by example. [Darie Lapp]

You never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough. [William Blake: Proverbs of Hell]



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PICKIE98's Photo PICKIE98 Posts: 66,436
11/21/16 5:26 P

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Oh my goodness! Those are hilarious!! I am still laughing about the spider web one.
Thank you for these, I really needed them after the day I had!!!!!!!!!!!

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GOLFINMOMMA's Photo GOLFINMOMMA Posts: 4,259
11/21/16 3:26 P

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1. My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.





2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.



3. How to prepare Tofu:

a. Throw it in the trash

b. Grill some meat



4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.



5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.



6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.



7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.



8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.



9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.



10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.



11. I love being over 70. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.



12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.



13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.



14. November 6, 2016 will be the end of Daylight Savings Time. Hope you don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.



15. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

Annon

Jan
Looking forward to a whole new me somewhere in my future


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PICKIE98's Photo PICKIE98 Posts: 66,436
11/17/16 2:36 P

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My hair is thin, but then again, who wants fat hair?
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